Action shot of blue bone
Hi, Max here. Today I want to make words about Thanksgiving Dinner. Mommy has been verry busy wif her new HR company so me and Diesel have 'cided to help her by making Thanksgiving Dinner. Furst we hafta make the plans. There will be 10 humans coming to dinner. That's 'portant to know so you have enough food, cuz otherwise me and Diesel will hafta share our wet food, and I'm not happy about the possibility of that!
If we were human, then we would next need to shop. But me and Diesel don't have thums, so that will be a problem. We will need to use local food instead. There's plenty for us to eat right in our own backyard. Sometimes we see G-Iant Terkey Burds in our back yard, but they run pretty fast, so I don't think we'll be having turkey for dinner. BUT, woodchucks run kinda slow, so me and Diesel could jump one and use that for dinner. What's the difference, meat is meat, right?
OK, once we get the dirty dead chuck inside the house, we need to shave it or it will be too furry to eat. Humans can't deal wif hairballs. We can use Daddy's razor for that, he won't mind...... Then we need to stuff it. Diesel and I are at odds about this. She thinks we should stuff it wif a dead burd, but I am thinking we should stuff it wif a D-lishus mouse! I think I will win this debate since we will hafta plck the feathers off of the dead burd and that is more work than using the mouse. Vote? D-lishus mouse it is!
OK, so take the D-lishus mouse and push it inside the dirty chuck's butt. Next, baste the chuck wif a mixture of peanut butter and yogurt. My mouf is watering already! Then cook it in the oven for 3 days. We will serve gravy and dog biscuits, raw carrots and chopped cheeses on the side. Diesel just peed. She does that when she's 'cited. She likes the menu...
We will use our blue stuffed bone as a centerpiece. That will be very pretty - the ladies will like that. They like centerpieces. If people get fursty, me and Diesel will pass around our water bowl. Mommy will be soooo happy that we made dinner! I can't wait to see her face!
I hope everyone is lucky enough to have a d-lishus dinner like us! Happy Thanksgiving, everybuddy!!!
Love, Maxwell B. Smart
top Thanksgiving Dog Chef
Frowback action shot of me as a baby
Hi, Max here. Today I want to bring back a post from last year in a new column I call "Frowback Fursday". I hope you like it. I have been very busy helping mommy.
Love, Max xxoo
Hi, Max here. Today I want to make words about a Hol-i-day coming up very soon
that honors Vets. It doesn't seem right to have a special day for dog doctors,
wif their needles and fingers that squeeze anal sacs.......... Do humans have a
doctor's day where they honor their doctors?
"Scuze me, my mommy is saying sumfin'...... Ohhhhhh.............. I didn't know that. Mommy says the Hol-i-day is for Veteran's Day and that's different
from the Vets like we wiener dogs go to. She says Veterans are humans who have
served their country by being in one of the branches of the armed forces.
It's 'portant to thank the soldiers cuz we wouldn't have any freedom wifout
them. 'maginate sumone else - an emeny - telling us when or IF we could have
cheeses, or yogurts, or wet food! Maybe there wouldn't even BE any of those things! I can't even 'maginate that. It would be terrible! What if sumone came and took away all the things that make us different and special and they tried to make us all the same? The soldiers make sure that we all can have opportuni...oppatunn....chances to be happy and healfy and do whatever we want.
We're really lucky to have our freedom and all the spechul soldiers that protect
us. You know what I learned from Diesel, cuz she's smart? I learned that there
are different kinds of soldiers! There are girl soldiers and boy soldiers and
........there's even DOG soldiers! I don't know if there are any wiener
soldiers, cuz I think they use the big dogs for that. But what if.............yes! That would be a GREAT idea! Once again, I, Maxwell B.
Smart, have come up wif a G-nius idea! They should have WIENER DOG soldiers in
the military cuz we are SHORT and we can sneak behind emeny lines! I'm pretty
sure that it would hurt the emenies if they got their ankles bitten, so that
would work! They would never see us coming!
Diesel and I practice sneaking behind emeny lines all the time. Mommy has a gate up that keeps us out of the dirty cat area. But me and Diesel look for every chance to sneak past the gate. Thennnn, we yell really loud and charge after whatever dirty cat is behind that gate. Once we yell at them and they start swinging their claws at us, Mommy gets
involved and tell us the "leave it". But before we go, we always take a
mouf-full of cat food and eat it just to tell the dirty cats who is the BOSS!
Enyways, Mommy says me and Diesel can't be in the military cuz we need spechul
training. She said our job is to support the military dogs and humans and to be
good security farm dogs. So I may not be big like the spechul soldier dogs, but
my fat pouch is puffed wif pride when I think about our soldiers wif and wifout
fur. Thank you all for protecting all of our cheeses and spechully our
Me and Diesel send you all big salutes, licks and
wagging tails. We love you!
para-military black ops security dog
action shot of me and diesel fearing shut-down
Hi, Max here. Today I want to make words about a guvment shutdown. Me and Diesel have been discussing this and we have many queschuns. For 'zample, what happens to wet food production during a shutdown? Can Mommy still go to the store and buy some? Here at Max's Farm we are ready to become a "LC3" company so we can work wif speshul teens. That means we will be a mix between a non-profit and a for-profit company. We will be maybe the furst in the state of Rhode Island to become one! BUT, if there's a guvment shutdown, will we be able to file the paperwork? What about the soldiers? Will they get their paychecks? I don't think I would work if I wasn't getting a paycheck, even if the paycheck is just cheeses (every pup has his price, you know!). What about healf care changes and people who need their social scurities check? Me and Diesel can't figure out how, wif all the smartness that's 'sposed to be in Washington, you humans let yourselves get to this point. In fact, some wieners might say it's the fault of the American citizens!
Before you get get your fur up, think about this: Mommy says when people allow condishuns to exist, then it's almost like they are giving permission for stuff to happen - that's also called "condoning" behavior. It's like they are telling their guvment that it's OK to not do a good job and to not cooperate and make things work, that it's ok for polititians to serve their term then go home and still make that paycheck for the rest of their lives even though they don't work for the guvment anymore! And that paycheck is for a lot more money than people who worked their whole lives and paid into social scurity or more than the soldiers make and they are risking their lives! I'm glad I'm not a human, that's all I have to say. I hope God is watching (He's the boss of all things) and makes the polititians work together and make things better, cuz if not, you humans may be asking us wieners how to live. Then we'll be competing for food in the same place and I'm not sharing my D-lishus mouses wif ANYBUDDY!
Signing off for now, but I'll be taking notes!
Number one disappointed wiener...
Action shot of us being round..
Hi, Max here. Today I want to make words about cam-PAIN-ing. I am tired. It has been hard work tryin' to get everybuddy to get on board wif all my presidenshul ideas. I wanted Emma to be Secretary of State and you know what she said to me? She said I was a "sniveling boob who couldn't be President of chasing his own tail", and then she said she was going to be my opponent! That means that SHE wants to be president! She can't be president - she's a CAT! Everybuddy knows cats can't be presidents cuz they're dumb and nobuddy likes them and they smell bad! To make matter worse, Diesel has been sick. She has an auto-immune disease that makes her jaw not open all the way. I didn't unnerstand how she could have that at furst because she doesn't even drive a car, but Mommy says "auto-immune" doesn't have anythin' to do wif cars! Go figure....the English langwidge is so confusing sometimes! Anyways, Diesel has to take speshul medicine to make her jaw be open so she can eat and chew on her bones. BUT.....it makes her drink and eat...ALOT...even more than me! So she is gaining alot of weight and she always has to do jobs. She is depressed about her body image, so she hasn't been able to do any personal appearances on the campaign trail for me. But - we did get on the trail of a dirty chuck the other day! We found his burrow in the ground and stuck our heads in there and yelled and yelled, but nobuddy came out. I think he has a back door. Anyways, I think I'm going to stick to being president of Max's Farm. It looks like there will be lots for me to do here - we launch our product section on the website soon, and Mommy is putting her blog back on the website, too. Diesel can be as round as she wants an not be 'barrassed by going out in public. She can stay in her security office and plan capers instead and that will make her happy. There's lots of new things happening at Max's Farm - I can't wait to share it all wif you - but for now I am sworn to secrecy! Until next time, send good thoughts to Diesel that she won't get too round - cuz then Mommy will put us both on another die-it and you KNOW how I feel about THAT!!
and #1 Chuck Chaser
Action shot of me facing 5 headed snake
Hi, Max here. Today I want to make words about being President. I have a presidenshul administrashun now cuz I am the boss of all of Max's Farm. I am thinkin' that it is not very hard to be a president cuz you have 'ployees that do all your work for you and you just boss them around. In my smartness while I was thinkin' bout this, my brain said I could be president of anything I wanted - even the United States! I know President 'Bama will be moving out soon and I could probally fill his shoes, but humans already have a whole guvment set up for them with peepul who fight over who is gonna be the next President. BUT, aminals don't have presidents! I could be the furst president of all aminals in the U.S. I have the background - I was security chief for Max's Farm and I have eradic...erad.....got rid of emeny turddles, cabberpillars, and most recently, a five headed snake wif bloddy fangs, as shown in the photo above. I am honest and I never azzagerate, I have good fur and no fleas (right now). I would need a cabinet, just like the peepul president. I would make Diesel my vice president. I need someone good in that spot who I can trust to back me up and not say stoopid stuff. Mommy can be my Press Secretary and Daddy can be my Chief of Staff. I will make Emma the Secretary of State - this way all cats will be represented, but I can send her on diplomatic mishuns and I won't have to see her....
Let's see, who else? Oh! We can make my nephew Kilo the Shepard the Defense Secretary. We need the head of homeland security...... that's too big a job for one dog - I will have Lola and Axel the bulldogs share that post. They are my cousins. It's ok to give frends and family these jobs - just like in the human world, right? Lily my other cousin can be the head of Social Services. I'm sure I can round up some crusty worms to be our legal team and find a squirrel to be the head of the CIA. I don't know any seals, but I know a couple of mice, so they can lead the black op mishuns. Cousin Dexter the Wiener Dog can be head of the Secret Service. Oh! And my FB girlfend Gracie can be my speshul intern! (wink, wink) Finally, Raja can be the Ambassador to Jamaica....she'll like that - she's rastafarian. I will run on the platform that all dogs get free guvment cheeses. We will grow the cheeses on Max's Farm - I hope we have enuf room.... All dogs will be treated as equals will speshul prefrences given to short dogs. Cats will be tolerated to keep the ecosystem in balance and to give dogs something to chase. I will not try to pretend I am smarter than everbuddy else in the world and I will not poke my nose in someone else's business and pick fights, but if someone threatens my domestic food supply, I will be forced to take swift action. My foreign policy is one of isolashunism. Leave me alone to grow my cheeses and I will do the same. I will hafta have Mommy, I mean, my press secretary, make words for me so I can do a speech so all the aminals in the United States will know they now have their own President! I am very 'cited and I promise to......what? Momm....I mean, Miss Press Secretary, WHY are you innerupting the President while he's making words?! But...But... Really? Are you sure?? I see....
My Press Secretary says that I have to run a c-a-m-p-a-i-g-n and get VOTES from all the aminals before I can be President! This will be hard work. I hope I will have your support. Please tell all your pets to vote for me! I will have to start stumping, stomping, humping - whatever it is that future Presidents do on the campaign trail. Until next time, vote early, vote often...."Max for President - running wifout a leash!" "A D-lishus Mouse in every food bowl!" (except for my black ops team). "Steak bones for everybuddy!"
Maxwell B. Smart
Presidenshul Candidate 2013 Campaign
Action shot of brainstorming
Hi, Max here. Today I want to make words about our new house. Me and Diesel have the family all moved in and we have been 'sploring our new terrirory. I promised the last time I made words to show you some pichures, so today I have some action shots of our new place. Make sure you click on each pichure so you can see the captions!
I hope you liked my pichures - I have been very busy doing all of my Presidenshul duties to get ready for our big opening day at Max's Farm. We are hoping to open on October 1st wif stuff just in time for you to do your Christmas shopping!!! Until next time when I want to make more words.....
President of Max's Farm
Senior Wiener in charge of Everythin' 'Portant
Action shot of me working on my new business....
Hi, Max here. Today I want to make words about a big announcement I have. You may have noticed that the Max's Farm website has changed since Daddy went to do his new jobs. It's just me now on the website, so I thought......... why can't I, Maxwell B. Smart, in all my wiener wisdom, have my own business? So I made myself the President of Max's Farm! I will be making speshul products for humans and for dogs, but not for cats, cuz they're dumb. I gave you a sneak peak into some of the products around Christmas time last year. Well, I will be making those products very soon! Diesel will take my place as chief security dog at Max's Farm. Hopefully the promotion will not go to her head! I will have lots to do as the President, so Mommy will have to help me wif things that require thums. If you notice the action shot to the left, I am learning to use spreadsheets so I can figure out if I can pay my 'ployees. I'm also learning to drink coffee, cuz that's what Presidents do. I don't think I will wear a tie to work, though. I have to be comforbull while I work. No ties, and no leashes. That is going into the handbook right away! I need a scribe to take down my smart thoughts..... "Mommmiiieeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! I need your thumbs! I have smartness in me that needs to be written down..... take a memo! No ties, no leashes!".
Mommy says I can't call her a scribe. I can see that I have to bone up on 'ployee relashuns. Once you're the boss you have lots of stuff to deal wif. Cranky 'ployees is just one of them! So back to business. I will have things for sale on my website - dog biskits, speshul scrubs for peepul, t-shirts, all wif my label on it. I will be famus and the puppyrazzi will want to take my pichure. But that's not all. Part of all the Max's Farm's profits will go to help shelter dogs find forever homes. I'm thinking of having a membership area on the website, too, for those lucky dogs who humans decide to sign up for my bone of the month club. I hope you humans will read my blog to your dogs and buy them my biskits and other speshul things!
Before I can offishully launch my new business, I have to do one thing: help the family move to the new location! Mommy and (espeshully) Daddy have been working really hard. It has been almost 2 years that they've been working to get Max's Farm ready for us to move into and now we are just 3 weeks away! I will have lots of pichures for you to see when we move. For now, I will sign off, I have lots of Presedenshul things to take care of. Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think of my new job!
Until next time,
President and Chief Executive Wiener
Maxs Farm, RI
Action shot of Diesel laying in the pool
Hi, Max here. Today I want to make words on keeping your wiener active and engaged wif fun activities this summer. Furst, you really need to be familiar wif your wiener's needs. Afterall, if you have a lazy wiener, you don't want to plan hiking advenchures for it because he won't think that is fun at ALL! Next, be careful of the heat. Wieners can get dehydrated very easily. Make sure they have plenty of water and rest breaks. Also, if you're walking your wiener, do it furst thing in the morning or after dinner when the ground isn't as hot. You wouldn't want to walk barefoot on hot pavement in the middle of the day, would you?
OK, on to the good stuff. As a 'zample, I, Maxwell B. Smart, will give you a glimpse into a day in my celebrity life so you can see what things wieners like to do for fun. A typical summer morning begins by Mommy letting me and Diesel out of our sleeping crate to do morning jobs. Me and Diesel race to the door and then race outside to our favorite poop spots. I run faster than Diesel and she haaaaates that, so she's always schreeching at me the whole time we are running. Then it's time to come back into the house and jump all over Mommy. I need to check her out - it's been a whole 8 or 9 hours since I've smelled her and licked her, so I need to make sure all is well. Diesel and I usually do this together - it saves time. If it's not too humid, we might take a walk wif Mommy. This week it has been very hot and humid, so we haven't done walks this week.
Next, Mommy will get ready to leave the house and do whatever it is she does when she leaves. Me and Diesel will assume our "protective" mode to watch over the house while Mommy's gone. Sumtimes we get distracted and bored if she's gone too long. That's when we like to sleep or find some paper and shred it - that's always fun! When Mommy comes home we go outside wif her and play.
Me and Diesel's new and most funnest activity is frog fishing! We have a pond that Daddy built a few years ago and there are frogs that moved in. It's surrounded by rocks, so me and Diesel hang out on the rocks and yell at the frogs. Diesel is usually too impashent to wait for the frogs to come out of the pond and play, so she dives in and swims around after them, chomping at them as she swims. They are always faster than her, though, which makes her mad. Sometimes my butt falls in by accident, but I'm not a diver like Diesel, so I climb back up on the rocks in a hurry. Plus if Mommy sees us in the pond, we hafta have a bath and you all know how I feel about BATHS!
To keep cool, me and Diesel like to go in the pool. See, cuz we're moving, Daddy didn't open the pool, so there's a big green cover stretched over it. When it rains, the water gets high and if me and Diesel walk on the cover, enough water comes up to touch our bellies! I make more water come up than Diesel cuz I have more in my cheese pouch than she does. Just yesterday I was able to combine two of my favorite things into one activity: swimming in the pool and Hopper catchin'. I was on the pool cover, making the water come up when I saw it: a green Hopper! It was hoppin' across the pool cover, so I chased it. When I got close, the water came up and the Hopper started to float! It floated towards me, which I didn't like - that seemed too aggressive to me. So I backed up til it stopped. Then the water went away and it started hoppin' again! So I chased it again. This time when I got close and the water came up, I grabbed it wif my teef and frew it! (they like that). So on it went til I saw that it wasn't hoppin' anymore. I thought it was just tired, but Mommy said his legs came off and I'm not 'posed to frow Hoppers - just chase them. Summer rules can be very annoying....
Now all this might sound exciting, but there are also summer dangers lurking around every bush and tree...... "B's" are very pointy and will stab you if you get too close - I got stabbed by a pointy "B" last week on my nose and it got all swollen and I ran to show Mommy and sat on her lap for the rest of the afternoon. I was very traumatized....... Also there are "Beedles" to watch out for. I had a Beedle jump onto my back where I couldn't reach and it was biting me wif it's Beedle teef, making me hurt. My sister Amanda saw it and rescued me. She grabbed that Beedle and frew it away. But, again, I ran to Mommy and sat on her lap for the rest of the afternoon. There's nothin' like Mommy's lap to make bad things all better.....
While dangers such as these may be scary, don't let them get you down. Just be careful, and have a good lap ready to jump into just in case things go wrong and like me and Diesel, find your fun this summer wherever you can!
Well, that's all the words I have for today - it's time to go outside!
'Til next time when I have more words........
Number One Celebrity Hopper Hunter
Max's Farm, RI
Hi, Max here. Today I have a speshul treat: a step by step tutorial on how to garden wif your wiener. Me and Diesel helped Mommy and my sister Amanda make a very speshul garden. I think they were planting cheeses. Ohhh, I hope it was cheeses..... I love cheeses! Enyways, on to the tutorial.....
Once your holes are all dug and water has been added, you can go ahead and plant your cheeses seeds! There you have it! A Weiner's guide to gardening. The End.
Til next time,
Action shot - spoiler alert for next blog: gardening!
Hi, Max here. I bet you thought I forgot all about how to make words. Sumtimes a wiener just has nuthin' to say. Mommy says it's been a real long time since I made words, though, so I thought I would make some today. There's been alot happening here. Our new house is almost done, so there's been alot of human activity around that. Daddy doesn't do lamscaping anymore, either! He does jobs being the boss somewhere. I don't know where he goes everyday, but when he leaves in the morning, he gives us a cookie. Another big change is that me and Diesel sleep in the crate at night instead of mommy and daddy's bed. It took me a few nights to get used to it, but I think I like it more. Now I only have to fight wif Diesel over the blankets, instead of fighting wif mommy, daddy and Diesel. OH! Another thing that happened was that me and Diesel turned TWO! We are offishully growned up now! Mommy still treats me like a puppy, though. She's always kissing and hugging me and trying to stop me from eating things I find on the ground outside. Doesn't she realize I am a growned up security dog now? I help wif all sorts of things around the house, too. Just the other night, mommy was cutting up peices of paper to use when she goes to the store - she calls them koopons. Enyways, me and Diesel saw all the paper and how slow Mommy was cutting each one by hand, so we jumped right in to help her out. We tore all the papers into little peices for her! Come to think of it, she never thanked us for that...... We saved her a lot of time! Then the other afternoon we located an emeny turddle trying to crawl through our territory. So I yelled at it. I kept yelling over and over and over until mommy came outside and made us go into the house. Later when daddy came home me and diesel went outside again to locate the turddle. Due to our excellent tracking skills, we were able to locate that dirty turddle in no time. This time I took offensive measures. I flipped it over. Then I yelled at it...over and over and over....til daddy came out and flipped the turddle back over and made us go in the house. I don't think my humans unnerstand the 'portant work I do here! They're always tying my paws behind my back, so to speak. How am I 'sposed to be a top notch security dog if they keep stopping me from completing my missions? Sumtimes humans cunfuse me! Like the other day....... Mommy has been taking us for walks every day and becuz I am a good dog, I don't need a leash until we get down to the main road. The other day we were walking and I didn't have my leash on and a rab-it came jumping past me! That was it. I ran after the rab-it into the woods. Mommy was calling me but I didn't listen. I was too busy chasin' that rab-it. Mommy walked diesel home then turned around and walked back to get me. By this time I was pretty tired. I sat in the middle of the little dirt road and waited for mommy to come back and get me. Then know what she did? She put a LEASH on me! Now whenever we go for walks, I hafta wear a LEASH! Leashes are for GIRLS! How 'barassing! Mommy says it's "'nachural consekwences", but there's nuthin' nachural about leashes! Enyway, me and diesel are looking forward to spending the whole summer chasing burds and G-iant terkey burds and sniffin' cabberpillars and flippin' turddles! PLUS, sumtime this summer we will be moving, so we will have a lot of new things to smell and chase at the new house. I heard a rumor that there are even munkees in the woods over there! I can't wait to see what they look like! Well, that's all the words I have to make for now. I hope you enjoy your summer and I hope none of you hafta wear a leash!
Next time I will make words about gardening....
Anti-leash Activist and top notch rab-it chaser